Dai Alvarez (he/him) is a rap artist based in Toronto. We met in the fall of 2020 and chatted about demisexuality and asexuality, being mixed race and coming to terms with our cultural identity, and cultural appropriation. Dai’s mom sounds like a total badass who has had a huge influence on who he is and how he views the world.
The Misunderstood Letter
I’m demisexual, a part of the asexual spectrum. I wouldn’t say it’s new, but other LGBT kids like gays, lesbians, bisexuals, they have more representation and more discussion. I understand that because when people get obsessed with sex and who’s having sex with who, it’s always on the topic of sex. They don’t think about the complete opposite, about people who don’t want to have sex.
I want to be a beacon for other asexual people. A lot of times we get mislabeled and misinterpreted. When I tell people I’m asexual, either they don’t know what that is or they put me in a box of what they think I should look like or act like. They’re like, oh, but you’re with a girl. But that doesn’t change anything; I can be with a guy and still be demisexual.
I’ve had LGBTQ people tell me that asexuals aren’t really LGBTQ.
Dai Alvarez
I’ve had LGBTQ people tell me that asexuals aren’t really LGBTQ. I’m like, yeah they are, we’re just not talked about. I think that’s where a lot of the miscommunication comes from. But if people don’t understand me, that’s okay. It’s not my job to make sure everybody is on the same page. The most I can do is inform people and let that be that.
Discovering My Sexuality
When I was ten, maybe 13, everyone in school started getting crushes. But I never got a crush, like ever. Even sexual urges were not a thing for me. I felt very broken. I was like, there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know why I don’t feel these feelings. I would try to force it. In grade nine, some of the rough kids would talk about women and girls in a very sexual way. I tried to imagine myself in that situation, like, yeah, this girl’s so pretty. But it felt very weird. It felt very forced.
Then I started thinking, what if I’m not into girls? What if I’m into the same sex as me? But when I tried thinking about a guy being hot, it still felt really foreign. I just thought there’s something wrong with me.
I felt very broken. I was like, there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know why I don’t feel these feelings.
Dai Alvarez
It wasn’t until grade ten with my first girlfriend. At first we hated each other. We were like oil and water, we just didn’t mix. But over a couple months, we became friends slowly. Then she confessed that she liked me and I didn’t know how to react. I was like, well, I like having you around, and if I say no to you, we won’t be friends anymore. I wondered if that was how it’s supposed to be. Maybe if I go into a relationship, I’ll know what it’s like [to like someone]. So we ended up dating.
A month or two into our relationship, she would point out that I didn’t touch her, hug her or kiss her, I didn’t hold her hand. I didn’t know we were supposed to do that kind of stuff. I just enjoyed her presence and that was enough for me. She was a very sexual person. She would try to show me pornography, but I wasn’t interested in it. I was like, this doesn’t even have a plot, this is just people having sex. It was so strange to me.
It was only about four months into our relationship when I started developing feelings. It was my mom’s birthday and my ex was giving her a gift. But my ex fell and the gift got all muddy, so she went and got a new one. This was during a storm and she was super scared of rain and thunderstorms. It was very touching for me. That was my “aha” moment. I was like, this is what love is supposed to feel like. After that day, I was very attracted to her. That was when I realized things are different for me.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
In grade 12, I took a class called Society and Change. They talked about the idea of demisexuality and that’s when I first heard the term. Overtime, I learned about the different sexualities, but I didn’t really take in what demisexuality actually meant. I had a notion of it, like in order to develop sexual feelings, you have to have an emotional bond. That’s all I really knew.
Eventually, I started looking more into demisexuality. There were forums I would visit and I realized that it isn’t that you’re attracted to one gender. You can be attracted to somebody who’s transgender or gay or lesbian. I remember thinking, could I like somebody who’s the same gender as me? Is that too foreign? But when I thought about it, it was the sex itself that was a foreign concept to me, because I don’t really think about it. So I was like, I guess [the gender] doesn’t matter. That’s when I started feeling like, maybe I wasn’t broken. I was just uninformed or unaware.
I’m so thankful we live in this age when the internet exists and people create forums and stuff like that. When I first started learning about demisexuality, I was really invested in those. I joined Facebook groups. I joined one big forum that had a lot of asexual discussion. That’s when I started asking questions. But other than that, in real life, I don’t have anybody I can talk to.
Finding a Home in Canada
My dad is from Okinawa, which is a little island off of Japan that was colonized by Japan. My mom’s from El Salvador.
In El Salvador, there are a lot of different demographics. There are white Salvadorians. There are—we call them mestizos—somebody who’s mixed with Indigenous and white or European. And then there are people like my mom, who is Afro Latina, which is somebody who could be mixed with Indigenous or just Black.
My dad first went to Mexico because he wanted to learn Spanish and study languages. But then he got deported because he didn’t have papers or something. So he went to El Salvador. He went to university there and that’s where my parents met.
At first, my mom didn’t know anybody from outside El Salvador. She knew different races existed, but it wasn’t her reality and El Salvador is such a small country. I think my dad was one of four Asian people there. They were in the same classes and my mom really liked his voice. She said that she didn’t know he was Japanese, he just kind of looked weird.
On my mom’s side, they didn’t like my dad because he’s Japanese. They have that notion of Asians are cheap. But my mom didn’t care. She said, I don’t know how we’re going to work, but we’re going to work.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
My parents ended up deciding they didn’t want to stay in El Salvador forever because if they were to have kids, they didn’t know how comfortable the kids were going to be growing up in a very mono-racial society. Because others wouldn’t know how to deal with the fact that me and my brother are Asian and we’re living in a society that has no Asian people. My dad suggested we go to Okinawa, but that would have been the same thing. There’s nobody like us. So we ended up coming to Canada.
They ended up going to the United States first, but the papers were taking too long, so they came to Canada. My dad went to school again to become an accountant. My mom was a daycare worker. But then she had an accident and hurt her back, so she became a stay-at-home mom.
When they first came here, my parents lived in very low income neighborhoods, like Regent Park. My mom told me they would never lock their doors and druggies would help with her groceries. They would help carry the stroller up the stairs and my mom would offer them fruit. We lived in government buildings and welfare buildings. My mom and dad came here with one Canadian dollar and then they made their whole empire.
My parents love it here. They like how you can go down the street and you hear Ethiopian people speak and then two block down, you’d hit Koreatown. They love it because it’s multicultural.
Growing up, my mom and dad tried to keep me connected to my culture. I’m glad my parents did that. My mom taught me that culture are really cool.
Dai Alvarez
Growing up, my mom and dad tried to keep me connected to my culture. I’m glad my parents did that. My mom would always say, I don’t want you to grow up with just Spanish, because when you’re in an Asian space, you’re going to feel that much more alienated. She would take us to Chinatown, we would drive all the way to Pacific Mall and Markham. She would take us to J-Town. She would take us to African restaurants and European restaurants, different Polish places and stuff like that. She taught me that cultures are really cool.
Figuring Out How to Fit In
In elementary school, the only other Asian kids were Filipino and there was only four of them. The other schools I went to were very Black and white, so I didn’t know where to fit in. The white kids would pick on me. They would pull their eyes back and make fun of my lunches—I used to bring bentos to school. They would bark at me and make fun of me. I didn’t want to be Japanese, I hated it. I thought, if I was white, or if I was lighter skinned, it’d be better.
I didn’t want to be Japanese, I hated it. I thought, if I was white, or if I was lighter skinned, it’d be better.
Dai Alvarez
At one point, my school closed down so we moved to Mississauga and I was there for a couple months. I noticed there were a lot of Asian kids, and that was the complete reverse. I was like, I want to fit in with the Asian kids, but I don’t fit in because I don’t look like them.
In grade nine, I was typically with the Black kids because we have the same interests. The Latin kids didn’t like me because they called me a wannabe. The Asian kids, I felt like we had nothing in common. It wasn’t until I met my girlfriend—she brought me into the Asian kid table.
They were listening to Kpop and I was like wow. I grew up listening to Japanese music, Jpop, but Kpop was never a thing for me. I didn’t know any Korean people. I remember thinking, Asians can be cool.
But Korea has such a different beauty standard. You know, pale skin, small lips, small nose. I wanted to fit in with those kinds of features. When I tried to assimilate to those beauty standards, kids liked me more. It became toxic. I hated summer time. I remember it was 45 degrees outside and I was wearing long sleeves, trying not to get a tan. I would go home and take a lemon and rub it on. It was horrible. I did it because I felt that if I didn’t look the part, nobody would believe me I was Asian, or Asian enough.
My mom noticed after a couple of months. She’s very proud of who she is. She’s always had curly hair and she’s proud of her afro. Okinawan people are also very dark. She was like, why do you want to be pale so badly? Everyone in our family is dark, you’re the lightest person. And now you want to be even lighter. After I told her, she was like, that’s cool, but you’re not Korean, so maybe don’t do that.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
It wasn’t until university when I accepted myself for what I was. Growing up, I always heard that I’m a wannabe Latin kid, you’re not a real Latin kid, you’re a chink. But when I got to university, nobody did that. I was free to explore my cultures and I learned that I don’t have to look the part, I just have to be who I am. No one’s going to tell me my DNA is wrong.
People are going to treat me differently because of the way I look. But that doesn’t mean I’m less than or that I’m diluted. I heard that term a lot. People would tell me, you’re diluted because you’re not full Asian, or you’re not full whatever. I got over it because, well, it’s funny. The kids who would say those things wouldn’t even be able to speak Spanish or Japanese. But I’m here and I can speak both.
People are going to treat me differently because of the way I look. But that doesn’t mean I’m less than or that I’m diluted.
Dai Alvarez
Especially the whiter you are—like kids who are half white and half Asian—they come with certain privileges, like having lighter skin or green eyes or something. Those are privileges. The thing I try to do is not speak for darker skinned people, not take up their space. It’s about being okay with and embracing those different parts of me at the same time.
Empowerment Through Music
I do music. I’m a rapper. I know I don’t look the part. People tell me when they meet me that they think I’m into rock. But no, I do rap music and I write my own songs. I’ve always liked to be creative, but I never really had the drive. I didn’t have the support for it until I got a bit older. And then I was like, I guess I don’t need support. I’ll just do it and if people don’t like it, then [shrug].
My first EP was called Juvenile. I also have a single called Brujeria, which means witchcraft. It’s related to my mom’s culture, a reclamation of her Latin culture. We were colonized and a lot of our culture is very Eurocentric. But my mom’s culture, in her family, we have witches. It’s not really witchcraft, it’s more like spirituality. It’s using the idea of witchcraft to reclaim our ancestry, which is why I wrote the song.
What I usually do for each EP is make one song gender neutral. I want people of any sexuality to enjoy my music. I know it sounds cheesy, but I want them to be able to sing it to their loved ones. If they have someone in their life who is gender non-binary or transgender, or figuring that stuff out, like they’re pronouns, they’re still able to sing the songs and not feel weirded out about it or have to change he to she and she to he.
I write about empowerment. I write about love. I write about introspection.
Dai Alvarez
I write about empowerment. I write about overcoming differences. My whole life, I’ve always stuck out. I didn’t know any Japanese people until I got to university. And then, there were no Latin people around me. So I’ve always stuck out and been outside of the crowd. I want to celebrate people like that. I want them to be able to come together and enjoy the presence they’ve created within a community and not feel like an outsider.
I write about love. Some people say I’m a romantic person, but it’s really because I can’t separate love and lust. They coexist and I want that to bleed through in my music. I know there are people like me who are—not necessarily uncomfortable with the idea of sex, but it’s not something they want to listen to every single time. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s just, for some people, it’s not their norm. It’s not their cup of tea.
I also like to write introspective stuff. About looking into yourself and thinking about why you do the things you do. That’s a big topic for me. As a kid, I was curious. I asked a lot of questions. Why is this person this colour? Why is this person doing that? Why does this guy do this for fun? Why does this person like skateboarding? I was that kid who loved to know everything about everybody. My mom would get really annoyed at me. I think that bleeds through to my music too. If I’m writing about why I’m sad, I don’t want to just be like, I want to kill myself. I want to know why I feel that way.
Breaking Stereotypes in Rap Music
If I could turn my music into my main job, I would love it. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I find there’s a lack of diversity for LGBTQ artists. I’ve been in those circles of hyper-masculine, very toxic groups of people. The way they think of LGBTQ people is so stereotypical.
There’s this weird double standard where LGBTQ rappers who are women tend to be totally fine. But if a guy comes out as gay, all of a sudden he’s feminized. That’s why I wanted to come onto the scene and show people that you can do both. You can be very feminine and very aggressive.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
There’s this one girl named Trap Bunny Bubbles. She’s very aggressive in her rap, but she’s also very feminine. And that duality, I want to highlight that it’s there. It’s why one of my biggest inspirations are women rappers, because I like how they hold that duality. They’re very intelligent and the way they do it, I don’t think a lot of them know that they’re doing it. That’s just who they are. That’s really cool to me.
One of my biggest inspirations as a kid was Biggie Smalls. He was one of the first rappers I heard because my parents were into rap music, my mom especially. Biggie Smalls wrote a song called Suicidal Thoughts. That was the first time I’d heard about depression and suicide in a very dark way. Normally, when I heard about suicide, it was always very poetic. But his was very raw. I went into my room and cried while listening to it.
I also really like Cardi B because I like seeing a Latin woman dominating. She gets so much flack for being sexual, but I like that she’s hyper sexual. Because when a man does it, it’s normal. But when she does it, everybody’s like, oh her lyrics are too sexual, they’re too much. But she’s not doing anything different than what the guys are doing.
I’ve always liked Prince too. My mom likes Prince. I liked how he wore makeup. He really questioned a lot of people’s gender norms and what they thought about sexuality. He was so flamboyant, but he also loved women. My mom looked at him and was like, that’s very different. She grew up in a very small, rural city, so her definition of what gay and straight was, was very solidified. Like, men shouldn’t wear makeup; women shouldn’t do this. So when she saw Prince, that completely changed.
When I first started doing music, I wasn’t sure if it was smart to label myself an asexual. But then, I realized there’s nobody like me in the music world, so I’m not helping anybody if I don’t change that.
Dai Alvarez
When I first started doing music, I wasn’t sure if it was smart to label myself an asexual. I didn’t know if it was smart for me to come out to the music world. But then, I realized there’s nobody like me in the music world, so I’m not helping anybody if I don’t change that.
That’s why I think it’s so important to tell people that this is what asexuals are. Even if they don’t get it, at least they can do a Google search, right? I’ve always thought, if I did interviews in the future and people ask me what it is, I can describe it myself instead of having somebody who doesn’t know describe me as a person.
I want to eventually—regardless of where I am in the world or what I’m doing—I want to create a space where demographics that I come from are able to visibly see themselves. I want to empower people.
POC Parents and Non-Traditional Careers
When I started doing music, it was in my closet with a blanket over my head at three in the morning. My mom would walk in and be like, why are you whispering to yourself? When I first talked about doing music, I think she was scared. But now she sees me doing music videos or I’ll be helping my friends with their business brands, she’s like, wow. She thinks I can do it, but she tries to keep me balanced. She’ll say, try it, but have a job. Have a job until somebody from someplace contacts you. But then, she’s also the same person who tries to make an Instagram account and talk to Cardi B. She thinks Cardi B is going to message her!
My dad, he’s more traditional. He’s a very traditional Asian dad—school first, work first. He doesn’t see music as a job. He sees it more as a hobby. He sees me as hanging out, being lazy, not really working. But I’m like, no, when I’m up at three in the morning doing music, I consider it work. I’d rather be sleeping.
They try to be supportive, but they’re still kind of scared because it’s non-traditional. Especially in Asian communities, we’re not used to being creative. Even to this day, I barely see Asians in the media, acting, singing, rapping. They’re not there. I think it comes from parents teaching their kids that it’s not real work. That’s it’s just for fun.
As a first generation Canadian, I grew up in a lot of low income areas. I want to help those areas and see them flourish, especially in Toronto.
Dai Alvarez
If my music doesn’t become big, I’d want to go into social work. As a first generation Canadian, I grew up in a lot of low income areas. I want to help those areas and see them flourish, especially in Toronto. There are huge issues with the economy and the gap between the poor and rich is huge now. There’s no middle class. I’d want to work with youth or LGBT youth, racialized youth.
My Mom
My mom is my biggest inspiration. She’s a 5’4” tall woman but she’s very outspoken about everything. When I was kid, my mom would take me to rallies against police brutality before it was in the media. She would take us to marches for different marginalized communities. She would advocate for rent prices to be frozen. Even now, with the death and murder of Indigenous women, my mom’s been campaigning in Toronto against it.
She’s very big on activism and learning about activism. I think it’s because she’s experienced it in her own country. She told me that all the women in her village only wore skirts. She was the first one who went to the bigger cities, bought fabric and made her own pants. People would call her a lesbian, a butch for wearing pants. But she was like, I want to wear these. If a guy can do it, why can’t I?
My mom’s always taught me and my brother to learn before we speak.
Dai Alvarez
She’s always taught me and my brother to learn before we speak. My dad doesn’t get things. He would say racist things and my mom would have to check him. He would say things about Black people—I think it’s a generational thing in the Asian community, a lot of anti-Black stigma—but my mom would be like, even though I’m not a full Black woman, I’m still Black. So you’ve got to watch what you’re saying.
In Latin America, colorism is still very prevalent. My mom grew up watching TV with Latins with a lot of European blood or a lot of European features, like blue eyes and blond hair. My mom is very tan with curly hair. Her mom is Black, but she was brainwashed into thinking the lighter you are, the better. So we know that on her mom’s side, she’s Black, but we don’t much about her dad’s side—they’re just Indigenous. My mom had to deal with a lot of racism from within her own community, a lot of colorism.
Coming here, she’s had to deal with being an immigrant. I remember she told me that her white co-workers told her she should go back to her own country. My mom barely spoke English at the time, but she was very angry. She went home and looked at the dictionary to learn how to say the F word. The next day, she went back and said it to them. She’s always been like this. She doesn’t let things slide.
My mom’s white co-workers told her she should go back to her own country. She came home, looked up how to say the F word and went back the next day to say it to them.
Dai Alvarez
A lot of times, because of toxic masculinity, women are taught to be complacent. But my mom’s very angry about things. She always been on people’s asses about everything. Even my dad, if she doesn’t like a joke or something he says, she’ll call him out right away. When he’s trying to force gender norms on her, she would call him out.
My dad would believe that boys shouldn’t play with dolls or girls shouldn’t play with cars. But my mom’s like, no, if her son wants to play with the dollhouse, let him, it’s not going to make him a girl. Let them be kids.
A Different Path to LGBTQ
People say I’m very easygoing, but when I was younger, I grew up with a lot of toxic people. I was always getting into fights. I got arrested once. I was a very troubled kid, a very angry kid. But my partner’s always been sheltered, sweet and kind. That’s something I need to learn because when I’m angry at somebody, I tend to lash out and try to fight them. But he’s like, no, just chill out and talk about it. He’s very loving and has a heart of gold. Even if he doesn’t understand something, he’ll learn and try.
He’s taught me what LGBTQ kids go through. The thing with being asexual is that it’s a very different path in terms of how we come into our sexuality. We don’t go through the whole, discovering you’re gay because you like someone. We kind of go through it in a different way.
The thing with being asexual is that it’s a very different path in terms of how we come into our sexuality.
Dai Alvarez
I didn’t know any gay kids growing up. I’m sure there were, but with the environment we grew up in, if you were gay or lesbian, the kids would bully you mercilessly. My partner got bullied for that. That’s something I didn’t know. I knew it from a textbook point of view, but it’s different when somebody is breaking down to you. They tell you all these things and it’s like, damn. That’s rough.
I was lucky that I didn’t have to do much in terms of coming out. Whereas a lot of LGBTQ kids will get kicked out of their house. Or bisexual kids will experience erasure. Some asexual people choose not to be with anybody, and in that way, they don’t have to come out. They don’t have to have those awkward conversations that a lot of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender kids have to deal with. I know there are demisexuals who had to struggle a lot. But there are some who can completely blend in and not have to deal with those conversations.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
Another thing I never had to struggle with was body image. My partner told me that he always felt the need to be skinny to please other people. Because certain body types are hyper sexualized and that’s not something I ever had to deal with. Being demisexual, it’s never been about bodies, it’s always about the connection I’ve had with somebody.
He’s something of an influence to me. Before, I would like things you could consider feminine. But I was always hesitant because I grew up in hip hop, and I was like, how would people react to me and treat me? Now, I’m learning that it shouldn’t really matter. He’s very gender fluid, he wears make up and he’s very flamboyant. He would get his nails done and I would wonder what that’s like, so now I do it with him.
What’s For Me and What’s Not For Me
I used to be a big fan of awkwafina. But then I started noticing that when she had roles that were more upper class, her accent would flip. It wasn’t the same anymore. I don’t see it as codeswitching, it’s more dropping it all of a sudden and then picking it back up when she needed to be cool again. It bothered me.
I do have some Black heritage, but I don’t consider myself Black. Because I know that every day in the world, people aren’t going to look at me and think I’m a Black man. We’re Afro Latinos and the big thing is that white Latins take our culture, but they don’t want our struggle. My mom would always say, they want to dress like us, use our voices and stuff like that. But at the same time, they want to be as European as possible.
For me, I try to be careful with things I know aren’t for me. Growing up, I listened to these very underground rappers, like N Double A or Biggie or Tupac. They would always speak about Black issues. Those were issues that my mom faced, but I didn’t. We have elements of Black culture in our household because of who she is. She does braids and wears bonnets to sleep. But if I did it, people would be like, that’s not for you. So I’m in this space where I can appreciate Black culture and know that I’m a guest in Black culture.
I do have some Black heritage, but I don’t consider myself Black. I’m in a space where I can appreciate Black culture and know that I’m a guest in Black culture.
Dai Alvarez
For example, if I use AAVE, that’s a part of how I grew up and where I grew up and I have to give credit to that. Even though it’s part of who I am, it’s giving credit and knowing that’s not inherently my culture. It’s something I’ve adopted into my household. Like, I can do rap music and not have to wear elements of Black culture to be a rapper.
Non-Black rappers need to realize that if your hair isn’t made for box braids, then don’t put them in. It’s going to fall out. I had friends growing up who would try to put me in do-rags. I’d be like, no, I can’t do that. I can’t walk out like this. Do you know how it’s going to look?
You don’t have to speak or look a certain way to do a certain type of music. You don’t have to adopt everything to be included. You can still participate, you just can’t participate in everything. It’s understanding that certain things are for certain people and leave it at that. I’ve learned to understand what’s not for me, what is for me and try to be myself authentically.
I’ve learned to understand what’s not for me, what is for me and try to be myself authentically.
Dai Alvarez
So with artists like awkwafina, I would appreciate it if she gave credit to Black creators, but I feel like she doesn’t and that’s the issue. She just takes and says, well, that’s who I am. But that’s not who she is. That’s something she adopted, and it’s okay to explain that.
We need to educate ourselves. It’s okay if you don’t understand everything in the world; nobody does. You’re going to fuck up and make mistakes. If you’re willing to learn from them, then it’s cool.
