Ellery Luague

19 min

Ellery Luague (he/him) is a Toronto-based architect. We met in Scarborough in the winter of 2021 to talk about leaving home, family, and faith and sexuality.

I Knew I was Different Early On

I think I was three- or four-years-old when I started realizing I was different. I had a birthday party and a bunch of cousins came. There was this older cousin that I really had a huge crush on. Like, oh he’s cute. It wasn’t sexual—at the time, I was only three or four. But I wanted to spend time with him, I wanted to be hugging this guy, I was fawning all over him.

I had another older neighbour, older by four or so years, who I guess was also figuring out or discovering his sexuality. He would be, let’s play… we’ll put it that way. I was a willing participant because I was innocent. He would make us do things, which I thought were okay, maybe people do this at play time.

I wasn’t as conscious about how I presented when I was young. I was free to be what I wanted. I liked singing. I liked dancing. I don’t know if I could call that flamboyant, but I wasn’t very masculine presenting when I was young. I had a lot more affinity with female cousins than guy cousins.

I had no concept of like, gay was different.

Ellery Luague

I had no concept of like, gay was different. But later on, I had some toxicity with relatives who said gays are an abomination. You shouldn’t exist. You shouldn’t be here. That’s when I learned to be ashamed of it, because of talk from my older cousins and other family friends.

A Childhood of Contrasts

I had this pseudo-relationship when I was in high school. We never really labeled ourselves. We didn’t talk about what it was that we were doing. But people knew that this person and I were a thing and it wasn’t an issue. That kind of environment also strengthened me in a way because it helped me prepare for what the outside world would be. Because I knew that this was a sheltered environment where we could be the way we were. Although, there were still some boundaries—we’re Catholic and boys don’t whatever with boys.

There were bigger family gatherings where I would hear snide remarks… about how gays should be punished, they should be crucified.

Ellery Luague

There were bigger family gatherings where I would hear snide remarks. Not directed at me, per se. I thought I was the only gay person around, though, so whenever they had a comment about how gays should be punished, they should be crucified… that mortified me. It also triggered me, like how dare this guy, like who are you? What have you achieved in life? What did I do to you to get that response or that remark from you?

That fueled this passion in me to become an achiever. I had to create some persona so that the sexuality doesn’t get highlighted. So, I became an achiever and I said to myself, just you watch, I’m going to make it and show you guys that you’re trash talking somebody and you’re not supposed to be doing that.

To give credit to my family, they never said it to my face. Like, you’re an abomination, we don’t love you, whatever. Sometimes my mom would say comments when watching TV, like oh my god, I hate gay people. I think that’s probably out of fear, because she doesn’t know what it’s like.

She and I never had that conversation about what it’s like to be me. We never got that chance to talk about it. I never got to come out to my mom. So, I think that was her way of pushing me to say something she already knew. Every parent knows. Especially the way I was when I was younger, like a super annoying, effeminate kid. I would wear my mother’s dresses when she was at work. Probably our house help would have told her about it at night. But I was never confronted for it.

My mom and I never had that conversation about what it’s like to be me. We never got the chance to talk about it. I never got to come out to my mom.

Ellery Luague

My father remarked about it at one time, when we were watching TV, and the conversation just popped up. He said something to the effect of, I don’t have anything against gay people, as long as they’re being good people. That was reassuring for me.

My father was very strict with me, in terms of going home late or who I spend time with or where do I go drinking. My mother told me, your father’s worried about you. Because to get home I would have to walk through a depressed community in the area. [I realized that] he was afraid that I would get subjected to violence because of being gay. But they never said that exactly. They never said you’re gay, disgusting. You’re not supposed to be like that. So, I felt free to be myself, but I wasn’t as courageous to speak about it.

Being Gay in the Philippines

There’s a stereotype for gays in the Philippines. We call it the beautician gaze, or people who work at salons. They’re very effeminate, they cross dress, they put makeup on, they’re very feminine. Now it’s evolving, but generally, when the word gay is said, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. If you’re like that, you’re gay. There’s no in between, there’s no spectrum.

There’s a stereotype for gays in the Philippines. We call it the beautician gaze, or people who work at salons.

Ellery Luague

There are other stereotypes, like gays only go for straight guys. They would pay to be with straight guys. If you don’t fall into that stereotype, then you have to present yourself like normal guys do. It’s funny because conservative people would say, like it’s okay, they’re very good in their craft in fashion and showbusiness—there are hosts of talk shows who are openly gay. But I would not want to have that in my family. It’s this false tolerance. Because of the huge influence of the church, it’s a sin, it’s an insult, to have a gay person in our family.

My Love of Historical Architecture

I attended school in the oldest district of Manila. It was actually the colonial city, the walled city of Manila. I attended school there from kindergarten to senior high school. All my formative years, I was surrounded by all this history. I got so fascinated by the story, buildings and structures, and the ones that no longer existed because it was bombarded in World War Two. I developed a deep sense of connection to historical buildings. I wanted to translate that into a career when I was choosing my university.

All my formative years, I was surrounded by all this history. I got so fascinated by the story, buildings, and structures, and the ones that no longer existed.

Ellery Luague

I went into architecture and specialized in heritage architecture. But that didn’t materialize quite as exactly as I dreamed. I did become an architect. I practiced for a bit. I worked for a while at the university that I attended, working with professors doing research, doing extension projects. I got to live my dream of being involved in heritage conservation. Then Guam beckoned not too long after that.

I do miss historical architecture, although I don’t know how to connect to it, like as a career or a profession. There’s a Facebook group in the Philippines that is concerned with heritage conservation, so I joined that group, give my input or I read articles.

Even with my travels, that’s one of the big things that I am into, I go to places where there’s historic architecture. I went to Germany a couple of years ago, and I went into the centuries-old churches, which I only used to see in my textbooks.

I do miss historical architecture, although I don’t know how to connect to it, like as a career or profession.

Ellery Luague

I remember when I was at university, our professor would show a slideshow of her travels to Europe. There was a time when some of her slides were getting old, like grainy and blurry. She said, well, I guess it’s time to go back to Europe to take new pictures. I thought, oh my god, how I wish I could do that. I didn’t realize that I was going to be able to do that. I planted a seed back in university to be able to visit all these places, these countries. I still have a long list, there’s still a way to go.

But my dream of being surrounded by and experiencing these heritage structures… somewhere deep within me, there’s still this yearning to go back to school, maybe get a master’s degree and specialize in this, and give back to my community and teach.

Guam Came Calling

I never considered migrating or working overseas until I was a professional. Back then, I had a lot of fear about leaving the comfort of home. After university, a lot of my friends went to Dubai or the Middle East. And I thought to myself, do I really want to do that and go to the Middle East, considering my sexuality and the comfort of being at home?

I never considered migrating or working overseas until I was a professional. Back then, I had a lot of fear about leaving the comfort of home.

Ellery Luague

But then, some of my friends went to Singapore, which was like, okay, I’ve heard good things about Singapore. It’s close enough to home, and I have friends there. And I had an uncle who’s lived in Guam since the 70s. I’ve always been interested in what life was like over there.

So, I said to myself, if I were to consider leaving the country, I would only go to Singapore or Guam, where I have people who can support me in that journey.

But then no opportunities were ever there. I asked my uncle—he had his own construction company, but they weren’t building homes or the stuff that I was working on. So, there was never really an opportunity to go there to work for him. But then, there was a time he brought it up with me. He said, “Hey Ellery, I have a friend who’s looking for an architect, would you be willing to interview with them, because they’re in the Philippines now hiring workers.” So, it was like, *snap*, spur of the moment. I literally had to drop what I was doing and prepare myself to meet these employers.

I Came to Canada Because I was Bored

I was in Guam for two-and-a-half years. I wished I could have stay there longer. But US immigration, it takes a lifetime. At one point, my employers were dangling that green card carrot in front of me. But it was going to take a long time for that green card to ever get approved. And knowing the kind of employers I had, they were good people, but they would really work you, squeeze everything out of you, before you get that shiny green card. I would have had to wait probably six to 10 years before getting that green card. I had an H1B visa that was valid for three years, renewable for another three years. So, I thought, okay, my employers are going to extend this for another term and then potentially apply for my green card. I can’t wait that long.

My employers were good people, but they would really work you, squeeze everything out of you, before you get that shiny green card.

Ellery Luague

So, when the opportunity for Canada came up, I jumped on it, because it was definitely going to be much faster. I didn’t know Canada was that fast.

One night I was bored, I was in my room with my friend, and I was browsing the internet. I came across an article about immigration to Canada. Back then, they had a short list of occupations that they were prioritizing. And my profession was one of them: architects. I joked with my friend, “Hey, Canada’s accepting architects. Are you interested in applying to this?” He said, “Well, why don’t you study it further, and if you think we have a shot, then let’s go for it.” So that’s what I did.

To me, that was a chance to try something new, create a different life for myself, for my family. I really wanted it to be also for my parents. I filed my application and eight months later, I got my permanent resident visa. I’ve been here for 10 years now.

Coming to Canada was a chance to try something new, create a different life for myself, for my family.

Ellery Luague

More than anything, I was really excited about the process of coming to North America. I’d heard a lot of good things about Canada and all the protection of rights that they have here. One of the biggest factors was non-discrimination against LGBTQ people.

Back in the Philippines, I thought of creating a family for myself, that would only mean getting married to a woman, which I would never do. I don’t really want to do that just to have a family. But Canada allows for that and actually protects that right. I wanted to create a new life for myself, embrace my sexuality even more, because I still had a lot of issues with it. In hindsight, I thought I had complete acceptance of it, but it’s still a work in progress, even up to now. I think there’s still some internalized homophobia, in some aspects, that I’m learning to embrace. So, I was excited, but there was also a little bit of fear.

I think there’s still some internalized homophobia in some aspects, that I’m learning to embrace.

Ellery Luague

Double Whammy Year

Unfortunately, my mother passed a few months before my flight to Toronto. She was sick with cancer. When I got my visa, she already had the diagnosis and the prognosis wasn’t really good. I had to take a break from my work in Guam to spend time with her because she was terminal.

One thing that gave me peace—I think it also gave her peace—is that I already had my Canadian visa. She knew I was going to be able to create a life for myself. She knew she didn’t have to worry about me anymore. She can let go as well. It was bittersweet.

Then my father got diagnosed with cancer, too. So it was like double whammy that year. We were able to manage his cancer a little better, because it wasn’t as aggressive as my mother’s was. I was still able to help with his medication, his treatment, when I was here.

Finding Freedom

Canada was such a welcome change for me. There are freedoms, conveniences that we take for granted. Like the nice weather. I mean, it’s less polluted than where I come from.

Canada was such a welcome change for me. There are freedoms, conveniences that we take for granted.

Ellery Luague

Some things were a disappointment. When I first started taking the TTC, we were still paying with tokens. I’ve been to Hong Kong, Taiwan, Singapore, it’s not like that at all. I was thinking to myself, is this the first world? This is so antiquated.

But in general, I’ve learned to really love my life here. Toronto is much simpler than how it was back home. Back home, there were a lot of things I had to worry about, like getting mugged when I’m on the street somewhere. That’s not everywhere in the Philippines, but there are pockets of the metropolis where that could happen. I didn’t have to deal with horrendous traffic that much.

A lot of first world problems don’t really bother me because I grew up in the third world. I’m a survivor that way. That’s why I feel like living here is much more convenient. It’s a lot easier. Even when expressing my sexuality. There’s still some apprehensions here and there, but I’m not as like, on my toes about a lot of things.

I’m from Manila. I was born and raised in the capital region. It’s very urban, dense. It’s very dog-eat-dog.

Ellery Luague

I’m from Manila. I was born and raised in the capital region. It’s very urban, dense. It’s really dog-eat-dog. You have to really fight your way through it. But I enjoyed it. I’m an urbanite. But that’s why I appreciate living in the suburbs now. I don’t ever see myself living in the core of downtown. I’ve had enough of that. My house is near the lake. That’s where I go for my walks, my run. I like the quiet for a change.

My Mom, My Inspiration

My mother was a very headstrong person. She was determined in her own way. She was a very brave and daring person. She would go for what she wanted. She taught me the value of being consistent and sticking to my decisions.

My mother was a very headstrong person. She taught me the value of being consistent and sticking to my decisions.

Ellery Luague

When I went to Guam, in my first year, I was miserable. Because I was away from all the comforts of home. I lived upstairs from the office, so on my lunch break, to escape the stressful environment of the office, I would go to my room and take a nap. Sometimes I would cry to myself, like why am I even here? Why did I choose this? When I would talk to my mom, I would cry to her, I’m so desperate, I’m so miserable here and all that.

And she would go, well, you chose that. *Laughs* Like, oh my god, can I get any support here? But then, at the end of the conversation, she said, we’re always behind you, we’re here to support you, you can do it. It was tough love. I would have bought the first ticket out of there had I not heard those words of affirmation from my mother. Her way was different, I got that. It really taught me how to be resilient in my own way. That still inspires me now.

My mom is still the most important person in my life. I’m a mama’s boy. Even if she wasn’t the sweetest to me, because I wasn’t her favorite. It was my brother who was her favorite. I believe she and I had a special relationship. She would give me a lot of advice. She was my strength. When she was dying, I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive after her. She’s been my greatest influence and source of confidence and love, through her actions, her non-verbal communication.

I’m proud of the fact that I was able to train her to say “I love you” to me.  Because she had a near-death experience. Maybe eight years before she died, she almost drowned. I had to fly across the country to get to where she was to be with her. Ever since that event, I started practicing saying “I love you” to her. And the first time that she texted back, “I love you,” I was doing cartwheels. I thought, oh my god, this is a major achievement. My mother told me she loves me. Ever since then, it became normal for us to say I love you to each other. I’m so proud of that.

I’m fortunate that I was able to heal a lot of my childhood issues with my parents before, during, or right after they passed. Those last few times I got to spend with them was an opportunity to make life-changing decisions for myself. Especially with my father, because I grew up being his favorite. Then I got replaced by my sister along the way—so I kind of fell off the throne. That was a source of issues with him and I learned to let all of that go. I was able to really heal and forgive him, forgiving myself for all of that. I know that both my parents love me a lot, so that’s what I choose to go forward with. That way of thinking and living my life helps me a lot to this day.

Coming Out and Making it Normal

I’m the eldest of three. The second one is a straight guy. My sister was at least bisexual at some point. Now she’s married to a man. I came out to my sister first. Sometimes she would tag along with me when I go to an internet café and I would chat on these gay chat spaces. My sister would ask, what sort of website are you going to? What does this mean? I said, I’m chatting with guys and she reacted to it nonchalantly.

She would sometimes share that, because she went to an exclusively girls’ school, they were having pseudo-relationships as well. She would say, that’s normal, I have crushes on my classmates sometimes, and I see couples all the time in school. So that helped make it normal between the two of us.

My brother and I, we never talked about it. I knew that he knew, because we went to the same school. We were just two batches apart and rumors spread around. We didn’t have this conversation until our father died, or around that time. We were seated at the airport. He was sending me off to somewhere. And we had this really deep conversation about how much we love each other and how much he respects me. He looked up to me when we were younger because he was always compared to me. He was the younger brother of this super-achiever famous high school kid who just happens to be gay.

He was trying to create his own identity, so he became the bully, the macho guy. Like, the complete opposite of me. He told me that he used to get into fights with people at school because he was defending me. I cried when he said that, because, oh my god, my brother loves me so much. It doesn’t matter that I’m gay. That conversation rolled into how he wishes for me to have a partner already. He wants to see me happy.

I went to my brother’s wedding recently. He jokes about setting me up with his co-workers. He would show me a picture like, what do you think about this guy?

Ellery Luague

I went to his wedding recently. He jokes about setting me up with his coworkers. He would show me a picture like, what do you think about this guy? I appreciate this level of conversation that we have. Now it’s become normal.

This is My Truth

Even if we know that everybody knows, at family reunions, I still get asked the question, where is your girlfriend? Why don’t you have a girlfriend? That’s very typical of Filipino older people, even here in Canada.

Even if we know that everybody knows, at family reunions, I would still get asked the question, where is your girlfriend? Why don’t you have a girlfriend?

Ellery Luague

There’s a group that I consider to be my family here, they’re the in-laws of my cousin. The matriarch used to ask me, when are you going to have a girlfriend? Why don’t you have a girlfriend? I would let that slide or give an excuse. I haven’t met the person yet, whatever, whatever, whatever. After doing this personal development work, I chose to advocate for myself for once.

It was a New Year’s Eve celebration. I got asked this question, and I answered, it’s because I want a boyfriend. Like, dead silence. I felt so uncomfortable. That was the first time I declared it to a bigger group of people. At another occasion, I got asked the question again and I said the same answer. Since then, she’s stopped asking the question.

Now everybody’s actually grasped that this is the truth, this my truth. They see my social media posts, ever since I joined [an LGBTQ+] choir, I post all about that. I feel more liberal about sharing stuff about myself and I don’t get asked that question anymore. They’ve transitioned to, when are you going to have a significant other? When are we going to meet him?

Church and Sexuality

When I was in Guam, one of the best things that helped me thrive, not just survive, was being involved in church. My uncle and his wife were part of a church choir. They were a lot older than me and they took me in. They were my community. So, I developed a stronger faith in a higher power. Not everyone’s religious, but you can be spiritual and believe in something higher than yourself. I grew up Catholic, so that’s my default setup.

When I was in Guam, one of the things that helped me thrive, not just survive, was being involved with church.

Ellery Luague

I’m not connected to a particular church community at the moment. Living in Canada can influence that because it’s more liberal. Contrasting that to the strict Catholic upbringing that I had, I’m really more liberal about practicing religion. Although, to me, it’s still my default spiritual practice. I feel strongly like I have a more personal relationship with God rather than an institutional one.

Living here actually opened my eyes. You don’t really have to have a specific religion to be able to have this faith and practice. Everybody can practice whatever. It’s really a matter of what your personal conviction is. And if I choose to engage in religious activity, I would go to the Catholic church, because that’s what familiar to me. I have friends who I go with, when I choose to participate in church. We have mass dates—we go to church together and then we go to lunch after.

Within me, I’ve that sort of, I don’t know, is it a struggle or argument with myself to mash those two ideas together? Because of course, growing up Catholic, I was brought up with all that Catholic guilt and being in an all-boys Catholic school… it was sort of weird because it was a nurturing environment. My classmates knew that I was gay. I was never bashed for it. But then the teachings of the Catholic church tell you it’s okay to be gay, but don’t do gay things.

Right now, I’m part of a gay men’s brotherhood Facebook group. There are a lot of people who post their experience and problems about how to reconcile their faith with their sexuality, because they grew up in conservative environments.

Life is a Choice

I get complimented sometimes unexpectedly when I talk to people. They tell me that I sound grounded and calm and peaceful. I believe it’s a choice; I choose to live this way for myself, because otherwise, it’s just going to be stressful and full of anxiety, and why would I want that?

People tell me that I sound grounded and calm and peaceful. I believe it’s a choice; I choose to live this way for myself, because otherwise, it’s just going to be stressful and full of anxiety.

Ellery Luague

I think it stems from how I was when I was a child. I was so afraid of the future. I don’t know if you can call it anxiety, but I just had a fear of what’s to come. Even when I was young, I feared going into high school. I feared especially going into university because I was coming out of my comfort zone. I studied in one school for 10 years; it was my home for 10 years. I was in an all-boys school. And I was gay. Then I’m going to this co-ed university, a state university, which has totally different values from my Catholic high school. And I had to interact with people of the opposite sex. I had so much fear around that. What if they find out I’m gay? What if I don’t make friends because of that?

Then I feared, how do I get through university, because architecture is so hard. How do I graduate on time. Like, all of those things. And somewhere along the way, I learned, or maybe was pushed onto me, to just stop and surrender. Like, chill out. So, that’s when I started to put something ahead of me, and that was my goal. I didn’t really know how I was going to get there, but I knew that that’s where I’m going to go.

I think, maybe subconsciously, I started embracing a vision for my life. Then, at some point, I look back and go, oh my god, that was effective. You know, I declare something, I put something forward. Sometimes I forget about it, but then, things turn out the way they do, which is aligned with that way of being. So, that’s what I discovered, that it’s all a matter of consciousness and embracing your inner power.

I declare something. I put something forward. Sometimes I forget about it, but then things turn out the way they do, which is aligned with that way of being. It’s all a matter of consciousness and embracing your inner power.

Ellery Luague

I really believe that when something is supposed to happen, it’s going to present itself. I have the discernment to recognize this opportunity and go for it. Anything—I will claim it, I feel it, I own it. I don’t attach myself to it, but when it’s there, it’s like, okay, I grab it.

Now I’m putting these words to articulate that, but back then, I didn’t know that that’s what it was. Like, the power of your declaration, the power of your word, my relationship to my word, which is something that I’ve been working on until now. Although, I feel like I’m getting better at it. I’m getting the results. Now I’m more conscious about it. I’m more responsible about what I say. Because what I say, happens in my life, precisely.

If I hadn’t experienced leaving the country to work overseas, I don’t think I would have developed this philosophy or this way of living, that everything’s going to be okay, regardless of the situation.

I think we’re all in different stages of our journeys. We go through things at our own pace. We have to acknowledge where we are.

Ellery Luague

I think that we’re all at different stages of our own journeys. We go through things at our own pace. We don’t necessarily have to escape the suffering. We have to acknowledge where we are. That’s when things start to shift. As soon as we stop resisting where we are. And also start creating where we want to go, or how we want to live our life. Like I said, have something to look forward to, no matter how small it is. That helps motivate me.

Feature image by Eileen Liu. This interview was supported by Community One Foundation.