Denim Blù (he/him) is an emerging Toronto-based singer-songwriter. I met him in the autumn of 2020 at Hart House Circle Park not far from the University of Toronto where he studied music. We talked about his multi-continent journey from northern China to Toronto, his unconventional start to a career in music, and discovering his sexuality as a teenager.
From China to the UK to Canada
I went to university in China, at the University of Nottingham, Ningbo, China. It’s a joint university from the University of Nottingham, UK. I studied international communications, which is a part of journalism. I also spent one year in UK, Nottingham. I love UK. It’s such a good country.
I always had a passion for music. But arts, music, that kind of stuff is not really supported in China. In China, they don’t have a music department. When I was in the UK, I went to this concert for The XX, they’re a UK band, and I saw the producers there doing music, and I was like, whoa, this is so cool. So, I took a class in the music department in the UK, called digital composition. It’s like using computer software to make music. It was really fun.
I always had a passion for music. But arts, music, that kind of stuff is not really supported in China.
Denim Blù
My final year in university was spent in China, Ningbo. Chinese students love to apply for masters in Western countries, especially since my undergraduate was at an university from the UK. But I didn’t really enjoy my undergraduate program, it was too academic for me. So I was like, maybe I can apply to a master in music.
The original options I checked were in the UK because that would be easier for me. But for a lot of master programs in the UK, you have to have a background in music. There was only one program I was interested in, which was from the University of Edinburgh. It was in music composition, music technology. But the year I was applying, that program was closed.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
I was also thinking that I want to emigrate. For mainland Chinese, the two destinations where you can study and then immigrate is Canada and Australia. I checked out Australia’s universities and they don’t really have music technology programs. Most of the programs are classical. So I checked Canada and at the University of Toronto, there’s a program called music technology and digital media. And because my undergraduate was in international communications, it’s media related—so I was like, okay, I’m going to write my personal statement and focus on my media background. UofT was the only program I applied to.
I feel so lucky. I had the most amazing two years there.
Denim Blù
I can play piano, but it has been a really long time. I don’t really have a lot of music theory. I spent almost two months writing songs and compositions [for my application portfolio], trying to make it sound good. But the thing is, my knowledge is limited, and I didn’t really have access to the equipment. I didn’t have much knowledge about sound design, things like making beats, synthesizers, mixing, mastering. I just used my home small, stupid microphone and made two songs. I also uploaded some videos of me in a choir in Nottingham. And then I think I wrote a really good personal statement.
I feel so lucky I was in the program, even though I didn’t do much media-related work. I had the two most amazing years there. Now I’m trying to immigrate. I can already find work, I can work for one year, apply for permanent resident, then maybe stay for three or four years to get citizenship.
Music for the Non-Musician
I’ve always considered myself different from other Chinese people, like more rebellious. I felt like I didn’t fit in a lot when I was in high school and middle school. I wanted to do creative things. I’ve always been pretty expressive.
Photo credit: Eileen Liu
One of my strengths in music is writing melodies. I can write really, really catchy melodies, like pop melodies. My roommate wrote my lyrics. He can write lyrics like that [snaps]. I can write melody like that [snaps]. So we create some really, really cool tunes. I want to be the next gay male Carly Rae Jepsen.
My musical idol is Christina Aguilera. So typically gay, right? She’s amazing. I love Christina Aguilera. I love vocalists, I love divas. I love Florence + the Machine. I like Paloma Faith. So she’s a really, really amazing artist in the UK. She’s really good.
I want to be the next gay male Carly Rae Jepsen.
Denim Blù
Right now, I am working with some artists, but I feel like I’m actually pretty niche. I feel like it’s hard for me to find people who have the same ideas as me, the same aesthetic, the same view about music. It’s hard to find that kind of people. Like, if they’re the singers and they’re not singing my melodies the way I like. If they have their own interpretation that I don’t like.
I’m enjoying myself right now. But I definitely want to have a more successful career. Some artists say they don’t care, they just want to make art and they don’t care about being popular. That’s partially true for me. But in the meantime, I also want my music to be heard by my audience. I want people to hear my music, to love my music, to want to hear more of my music. So that’s the conflict. I want to focus on freedom and my art, but also I want my music to be heard.
Am I a Comrade? Or Am I Gay?
Sex is taboo back in China, especially for young kids. Parents and kids don’t really talk about it. It’s not like in Western countries where parents talk to their kids about sex. We didn’t really have proper sex education, especially in my province, in the North. When I was in middle school, probably when I was ten or twelve years old, I didn’t really know what sex was. I just had this idea of, oh, a man should marry a woman. I didn’t really know what was “gay,” or that you can be gay or that men can fall in love with men.
Sex is taboo back in China, especially for young kids. I didn’t know what sex was, or that men can fall in love with men.
Denim Blù
The internet was so popular in China back then. I was using QQ and there was this forum where you can make friends. You can choose your sexuality, but apparently I didn’t know what sexuality was. They had this option called同志情誼. But I didn’t know that means gay. Also 同志 means comradeship. So I thought, oh, want to meet new friends like you, like 志同道合的人, right? So I choose that option, 同志情誼. I thought you’re just trying to find someone who has the same interests, like 秩序相同的人.
So then a guy, like a creepy old guy hit me up, he was around like thirty years old. He was like, oh, you are so cute, I want us to go out or whatever. I thought it was pretty weird. Like, I know he sounded weird, so I didn’t respond or anything.
But then I was searching for 同志情誼and I realized that there are different forms of 同志情誼. You know what I mean? It’s like porn. You know, back in the day, probably around 2009 there wasn’t as much censorship in China. And if you search 同志情誼, search engines like Baidu will pop up porn sites where gay people can meet each other. I went into those site and realized, oh.
I still remember the first porn I saw between gays. It was a picture. It was a man sucking another man’s dick. It was two Western males. One man lying on the bed and the other man on his knees, sucking his dick. It was so totally mind-blowing. I didn’t know you could suck someone’s dick. To a kid like that, it was so mind-blowing.
Photo credit: Nicholas Ortiz
Before that point, I actually did have an interest in girls. But also, I didn’t know what sex was. So my interest in girls was like, oh, I’m friends with this girl, that girl and that girl; they’re all my best friends. I was thinking about, who am I going to marry when I grow up? But I didn’t know sex came into it. I also didn’t know the difference between the male body and female body. So I always thought, oh, other people have penises. Girls have penis, we are the same. I didn’t know about vaginas. I thought I wanted to marry in the future, and choose between my female friends.
Then I realized, when I was in kindergarten or primary school, I was attracted to males. When I was in bed alone, in my small room as a kid, I would imagine I was being held by the attractive males in my class. Even if I never thought of that in a sexual way. I figured that means I was gay as a child. Even though I didn’t have any sex education, and I wasn’t exposed to adult content or whatever. I was just gay from the very beginning.
Family in the Distance
I’m not out to my family yet. I was still dependent on them financially during my masters and right now, I’m still partially dependent on them. I just started working and earning money. So I haven’t opened up to them yet.
I think, partially, they already know. Parents always know something. I’ve explained to my parents, oh, I don’t want kids, whatever. They’re still talking about oh, when are you going to have a girlfriend or whatever. But I think they might know, even though I haven’t openly told them yet.
I haven’t seen my family in two years. I went two years ago, but since then, I wanted to stay and work on my stuff. I wanted to focus on my career. I was supposed to go back this summer, but corona happened so I didn’t really have that chance. My mom was supposed to come to my graduation, but everything got canceled because of Covid-19.
Life Can Be Lonely
I’ve always been pretty independent. Even when I was in China, I was pretty independent. All the people I met in my music department, my master’s program are so amazing. I’ve made friends; we hang out. But it’s definitely lonely.
I feel like you can be lonely everywhere in the world. Even if you are in China, it’s still lonely, It’s just a different culture that’s makes it easier for you to be alive. Like, going to restaurants is cheaper. You speak Chinese. You can go to shopping streets. And you have your family. It’s easier for you to do things, but it’s still lonely.
But loneliness doesn’t have to be inevitable. You definitely have a choice of not being lonely, to find someone. So I’m trying to find my love, but I’ve had bad luck. Sometimes I want a relationship so bad. But I have to meet the right people. I feel like I haven’t met the right people yet. I’m not really in a hurry, but I was pretty desperate several months ago. I was so upset about it. Maybe because of corona.
There’s definitely discrimination against Asians in the queer community. Like on Grindr, when they realize I’m Asian, some dudes will block me even though they don’t know what I look like.
Denim Blù
There’s definitely discrimination against Asians in the queer community. That’s for sure. Like on Grindr, when they realize I’m Asian, some dudes will block me even though they don’t know what I look like. That’s one thing, for sure. Also I think that’s for all races, all non-white races.
These two years, I was really busy with my schoolwork. But I did have some dates. If I have five dates, four them are into Asians, you know what mean? So we talk and then I realize they’re into Asians, that’s a big turnoff for me.
Leaving a Legacy
My motivation is to leave something of value so people can remember me, you know, when I die. To have something nice, something with value, to leave something in this world, so when I die, people can know about me. Maybe they’ll find an old record from a secondhand shop, a vintage shop. Maybe in 100 years, they’ll see my music, hear my music, and think oh, it sounds good.
